Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Struggling

Have an appointment for tonight with the therapist but I've already decided to cancel. Just not feeling like sharing today, and I'm too stressed out about the present so delving into the past isn't really a priority right now. Not giving up, just rescheduling for next week when I think I'll be more receptive to the whole give-take thing. Right now I just don't give a crap and can't take anymore. Overwhelmed is a little bit of an understatement and I'm waiting for things to ease up a bit. Just wondering how long I have to hang in there for. Not that I have any options but to hang in there - just hoping I can do it with a modicum of grace. When in doubt, I watch the news. Nothing depresses me more and helps put things into perspective. Things don't seem so bad after watching all the other atrocities of man. How's that for uplifting?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Is there a middle ground between obsessed and detached?

What do you do when you see someone destroying their life and they know it, but won't do anything about it? I understand that you can't make someone do something they aren't ready for, that's not the issue. The issue is how do you, as someone who loves this individual, allow it not to affect your mental health?
I am so tied into the lives of my loved ones and I don't know how to disentangle myself without completely shutting them out. I listen. I provide guidance. And then when it's ignored and they go back to the same exact thing they swore they wouldn't, I break down. And I worry. Forever.

I want to get to that point where I can just listen and not comment, and then when their rant is over I go back to my life knowing that nothing will change and I'm OK with that. I know people who can do this. Probably my therapist is one of them. But I don't know how not to worry about people once the conversation is over.

And if I do get this down some day, honestly, I worry that I will become unfeeling and dismissive. How do you listen to the same story over and over, knowing the result is always the same, and not let feelings of disgust or disappointment ooze out? I think the only way to do that is to be detached, and I just don't know that I want to be that person.

Monday, April 12, 2010

2nd verse, same as the first?

Second therapy visit tomorrow and I wonder how it will play out. I feel like I dumped so much on this poor unsuspecting woman the first time that she may want to take the lead on this one. She wants to delve into my past, but I find the more I try to remember things, the harder it is to really know if the memories I'm giving her are true or just what I feel now. How can I answer a question about how something made me feel 25 years ago without letting my present feelings get jumbled up in the process? Sure wish I had total recall and could really feel strongly about the information I'm sharing. And why is my memory so bad these days? I've been taking vitamins, trying to exercise my brain with memory tests, etc. but I have lost so much already and am only approaching mid-30s!?! So this worry leads me to the ultimate fear of dementia and Alzheimer's, which my grandmother and great-grandmother both had, but in varying forms. And that's just what I need is something else to worry about. I'm starting to gather that each thing I try to lay to rest in therapy is just going to open up something new to explore. These therapists really know what they're doing -- they getcha for life!