I Survived!

It was late in the day as I was leaving my first therapy appointment, and the counselor noted that she had to unlock the door to let me out. It was then that I knew I must not have scared her too much, because she was letting me leave.

All in all it went well. I was proud of myself for getting through the first visit with only a few moments of tears -- this is saying a lot considering I'm one of those that cries at pretty much EVERYTHING! I was stronger than I had thought I would be and more importantly, honest with my emotions when I needed to be. Sometimes crying is a nice release and I definitely wanted to release some of the stuff that's been plaguing me for a long, long time.

I think blogging in between visits is going to help. When you're in the moment, you don't always see everything as clearly as when you walk away and think about it. She told me that it was going to take awhile (my recovery), but that I would get through this. Convincing myself of this is going to be key to making that happen. Baby steps. . .

Healthcare -- and not the talk that EVERYONE's having today.

Don't you just love it when you book a doctor's appointment for an issue you're experiencing right now, and because they can't see you for weeks and weeks after, the problem is all magically fixed by the time you get to see them? But it's not really fixed, more like hiding out until you leave the office and then BAM! - it's back again and you can't see the damn doc for another month! At least that's the way it usually works out for me.

This time it's a mental health issue that hasn't disappeared on its own. At least not entirely. It's more like a running cycle of dealing with stuff the best way I can, having it culminate into something I can no longer deal with, minor explosion, making appointment for shrink (or the like), start to feel better, appointment day comes and I wonder why I'm even bothering. Talk to the Professional Listener (PL), feel a little better, go to next appointment, walk out feeling like I know myself better than she/he ever will, and I'm cured and don't neeed to go again. The second part (actually going to see someone) has only happened twice. In a few weeks it will be my third attempt, and I'm hoping I last longer than I have before. I really don't think it's fair to expect that someone who doesn't even know me can fix me in a record two visits, but then again, I've always had some control issues and think I can just fix myself.

But up until now I just thought my problems were affecting me. Recently I learned (from a very frank discussion with a sibling), that my mental inadequacies were oozing out into my associations with others. Always thought I was keeping the little buggers trapped inside for the most part. Even my loving husband who deals with me every day hadn't called me out before. Maybe it was just my sister having a bad day. But the more I absorbed what she said, the more I realized that even if it was her bad day, apparently I'd had enough of them to bring this on for her and while I can usually deal with my own pain, I didn't want to cause it for others.

So here I sit at my computer, counting the days until I meet with the PL and hoping I still have the courage to really invest the time needed to make myself better. If not for me at first, then maybe for the innocents left in my wake, having to scramble for their own steady ground.

All Aboard!

Wow, the first post is pretty difficult, huh? Wonder if this is what writer's feel when they hit a stumbling block mid-story. I'm reminded of the scene in Beetlejuice where Winona Ryder's character starts her suicide letter (no folks, I'm not there so don't go sending this in to the help lines). She write, "I am alone. I am utterly alone. By the time you read this I will be gone. Having jumped, having plummeted off the River Winter Bridge." See? No worries, just a comparison to writing, not offing myself.

Anyway, I think the rambling above will be a constant theme throughout this blog, so I apologize in advance if this is hard to follow sometimes. I have trouble following my own train of thoughts regularly. They just come out of nowhere and are not the most well-behaved either. Little buggers will NOT be silenced. Really wish I had a mute button for my head sometimes. But since I don't, I guess I'm just going to have to learn how to deal with it. Suggestions are welcome. Well, as long as they don't involve anything weird. Not much into candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft, or anything of the sort. Sorry, another movie thought. Yep, this is how it works in this little space between my ears. With all the jumbled mess in there, I certainly hope there is room for improvement.

Till my next rambling. . .