Movie misery

How can I wonder why I've been so bummed lately, when a recent review of my past movie rentals consisted of the following:

The Messenger
The Road
The Notebook
The Reader


Either I need to stop watching movies that begin with "The" or Netflix needs to put a cap on the amount of depressing flicks you can rent in one month. Seriously. Anyone seen a good comedy lately? I need recommendations. And if not for me, then for the sanity of my poor innocent (and non-mental) husband who is about to take my movie privileges away.

On my tippy toes

Been a rough week my dear Bloggy. Having a harder time getting up and going to work. Finding myself feeling trapped instead of grateful, which by the way, I'm very grateful. I know I'm fortunate to have a job in these tough times but when you feel like you HAVE to have the job instead of being excited to go to work, it's tough. I have a really good job - why can't I just be happy with that? The downside is that I travel so far to get to/from it and I fell like I'm missing a lot of life in between.

Also another fight with a sibling that just seems to make me want to move away from everyone. I have a large family and used to be the one that fought to get everyone together all the time but now I find that I don't care as much if I see everyone or not. I love my family. And I mean LOVE them, but am really struggling with liking them lately. Especially one member in particular. Big age difference - little understanding. On both parts.

I've been really proud of my growth lately, especially emotionally, and yet this post shows me that I'm shrinking. But not all the way down, just losing a little footing.

I was going to delete this post because I know it's just something I'm going through right now and it will pass but I'm trying to be really honest and truthful here, so I'm going to use it as a tool. I will learn from this whiny moment and move on. Onward and upward.

Money, money, money, mon-ey. . .

The root of all evil. Definitely coined for a reason. Why is it that something so necessary makes us all so crazy? Not that I think having a lot of green would fix all my problems, but it sure would help a few. Having a hard time my dear Bloggy. . .oh, mind if I call you that? I feel like we've reached that level. Anywho, I'm struggling because I have a job that pays me really well for little work, but my hubby has a job that he works really hard at, but rarely gets paid. Sigh. It's more and more stressful on our marriage every day. And I'm really having trouble believing it's going to get magically better any time soon. See, dear Bloggy, he is a considered an independent contractor, but works for only one organization, so it's like having a boss but without all the benefits of a regular-type job. And while you'd think it would be payment upon completion of work, that's not the case. Because he works for a sorta-friend, said sorta-friend thinks it's ok to lead him around until he collects the money from the client. Um, no. That's not how it's supposed to work. But alas, as the options have been extremely limited (read: non-existent) for available work elsewhere, it's been what we've had to deal with. For now.

But I've had it up to here (and beyond) so I've put my foot down and demanded change. Well, as much as I can demand, I can't really control other people. If I could that would be cool, but major responsibility and I already have enough on my plate. I'm tired of living day-to-day (money-wise) when I'm bringing home enough bacon for an extended-family brunch! Every payday I just watch it disappear and wonder if I'm going to have enough for anything extra. And by extra, I mean a good grocery trip. You know, the ones where you get fresh fruit and veggies and cheese and deli meat. Not the kind where you run in and out with a bag of Buddig and some canned corn.

Dear Bloggy, this is causing me extreme stress, and I'm falling into a sea of depression. Alas, at least you are still free to me. At least for now.

Nothing much, just typing to myself

So once again I think I'm done with therapy. EVERY time I go I find that I know more about myself than the therapist does -- granted that should be the case since I've been with me a lot longer -- but in my defense, if she's diagnosing issues I'm having and I'm like, "no, I think it's really this. . ." then I'm not getting anywhere. It really felt like I was just more or less paying money to talk out loud and not really be judged. I think I'll try doing that at home, or maybe just this blog will continue to assist me in getting the crazies out of my head. I don't know. Who really does? I found that my therapist was more concerned about finding some deep-routed issue of my past than helping me get through my many struggles of today, which is what I'm more focused on right now. The past has been fine for this long, it's the present/future I'm having a hard time hanging on to.

Would be very helpful to hear how others (who struggle with depression) found therapy to work (or not) for them. But since I don't know how to solicit feedback, I guess I'll just continue living vicariously through the other blogs out there in my quest for guidance. In the end, I guess it's just me and you, kid.

Struggling

Have an appointment for tonight with the therapist but I've already decided to cancel. Just not feeling like sharing today, and I'm too stressed out about the present so delving into the past isn't really a priority right now. Not giving up, just rescheduling for next week when I think I'll be more receptive to the whole give-take thing. Right now I just don't give a crap and can't take anymore. Overwhelmed is a little bit of an understatement and I'm waiting for things to ease up a bit. Just wondering how long I have to hang in there for. Not that I have any options but to hang in there - just hoping I can do it with a modicum of grace. When in doubt, I watch the news. Nothing depresses me more and helps put things into perspective. Things don't seem so bad after watching all the other atrocities of man. How's that for uplifting?

Is there a middle ground between obsessed and detached?

What do you do when you see someone destroying their life and they know it, but won't do anything about it? I understand that you can't make someone do something they aren't ready for, that's not the issue. The issue is how do you, as someone who loves this individual, allow it not to affect your mental health?
I am so tied into the lives of my loved ones and I don't know how to disentangle myself without completely shutting them out. I listen. I provide guidance. And then when it's ignored and they go back to the same exact thing they swore they wouldn't, I break down. And I worry. Forever.

I want to get to that point where I can just listen and not comment, and then when their rant is over I go back to my life knowing that nothing will change and I'm OK with that. I know people who can do this. Probably my therapist is one of them. But I don't know how not to worry about people once the conversation is over.

And if I do get this down some day, honestly, I worry that I will become unfeeling and dismissive. How do you listen to the same story over and over, knowing the result is always the same, and not let feelings of disgust or disappointment ooze out? I think the only way to do that is to be detached, and I just don't know that I want to be that person.

2nd verse, same as the first?

Second therapy visit tomorrow and I wonder how it will play out. I feel like I dumped so much on this poor unsuspecting woman the first time that she may want to take the lead on this one. She wants to delve into my past, but I find the more I try to remember things, the harder it is to really know if the memories I'm giving her are true or just what I feel now. How can I answer a question about how something made me feel 25 years ago without letting my present feelings get jumbled up in the process? Sure wish I had total recall and could really feel strongly about the information I'm sharing. And why is my memory so bad these days? I've been taking vitamins, trying to exercise my brain with memory tests, etc. but I have lost so much already and am only approaching mid-30s!?! So this worry leads me to the ultimate fear of dementia and Alzheimer's, which my grandmother and great-grandmother both had, but in varying forms. And that's just what I need is something else to worry about. I'm starting to gather that each thing I try to lay to rest in therapy is just going to open up something new to explore. These therapists really know what they're doing -- they getcha for life!