What's wrong with me?

You know those commercials for Zymbalta, Zoloft and the like?  The ones where someone is just sitting in a room alone, sobbing uncontrollably, and doesn't know why?  Or can't get out of bed even though physically they're fine, but placing a foot on the floor is too daunting a task?  Well, I've been feeling that way very recently.  I get little waves of depression where I'm just "bummed" for lack of a better word, and I really have no idea where it came from.  Sure there are things going on in my life that warrant depression, but at the specific moment that the waves come, I'm not thinking about those things, so I have no idea where it's coming from.  And worse yet, I have such a hard time coming out of it.  My husband or family will pick up on the immediate change in mood and ask things like, "why are you crabby?" or "what's wrong with you?" and that certainly doesn't help.  In fact, it puts me on the defensive and then I get angrier or sadder. 

Last night my husband asked what was wrong with me and I just said, "I don't know".  And maybe it was hearing the frustration in my voice, and knowing that I truly didn't know, so he just let me be and quietly sat until I was able to come-to again.

I hate these rapid mood swings and wish I knew when they were coming so I could try to put the kabosh on them, but I think this must be what a lot of people go through.  I hope beyond hope that this is not something that is going to continue to gain frequency and that there's just some subconcious stressors that are rearing their ugly heads at once.

I don't want to be depressed.  I can't imagine anyone does.

Cautiously optimistic

I know it's only been four days, but I have to say that since beginning the new diet/exercise thing I've been feeling good. Noticed a little more pep in my step, and more importantly I've been a bit less down in the dumps. Maybe there is something behind that exercise euphoria I've heard about. Either way, trying not to overdo it so I don't give in to the dark side but I'm having a little, dare I say, fun adding new activities to keep me going. And the diet part is really only being more aware of what I'm eating and skipping on the extras more often. I'm not going crazy people. Well, technically I should say I'm not getting any crazier. At least for now. Feeling a bit like one of my fave characters, Bob, in What About Bob? "I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful."

Die-et and Exorcise

Yep that's how I feel about those loathesome words. I think there's a reason they are so similar to both physical and spiritual death. But since I'm soooo miserable with the blob I've become, I know there's nothing else but to battle those demons and start a new plan of action.

Oh, and when I say start, I really mean it. I'm a beginner at best. If there's a level below novice, that's me. I. Don't. Do. Shit. Really. May be the depression. May be lazyness. Who knows? But I know I have to do something because the pounds they are a-piling and my metabolism is on hiatus.

So I started a treadmill plan today. Walking that gradually turns into jogging. Goal of every weekday morning, getting my arse up and on that god-forsaken machine. Trying a half hour M-F to start. Biggest bummer is that everyone I talk to says I won't see any difference if I don't change my diet, too. I don't feel like I'm a total wreck in that department, but I do enjoy food. I really do. Not overeater level, but I don't like to miss a meal. There's so many wonderful flavors out there, how can I not? So in that department I'm going to cut out some "extras", even though I don't feel like there are a ton of options there, but I'll try.

I gotta tell you though, if I don't see some serious results within a month's time, I'm going to be pissed. And a depressed pissed person is not a good combo. Oh, and a depressed-pissed-HUNGRY person should be feared.

Movie misery

How can I wonder why I've been so bummed lately, when a recent review of my past movie rentals consisted of the following:

The Messenger
The Road
The Notebook
The Reader


Either I need to stop watching movies that begin with "The" or Netflix needs to put a cap on the amount of depressing flicks you can rent in one month. Seriously. Anyone seen a good comedy lately? I need recommendations. And if not for me, then for the sanity of my poor innocent (and non-mental) husband who is about to take my movie privileges away.

On my tippy toes

Been a rough week my dear Bloggy. Having a harder time getting up and going to work. Finding myself feeling trapped instead of grateful, which by the way, I'm very grateful. I know I'm fortunate to have a job in these tough times but when you feel like you HAVE to have the job instead of being excited to go to work, it's tough. I have a really good job - why can't I just be happy with that? The downside is that I travel so far to get to/from it and I fell like I'm missing a lot of life in between.

Also another fight with a sibling that just seems to make me want to move away from everyone. I have a large family and used to be the one that fought to get everyone together all the time but now I find that I don't care as much if I see everyone or not. I love my family. And I mean LOVE them, but am really struggling with liking them lately. Especially one member in particular. Big age difference - little understanding. On both parts.

I've been really proud of my growth lately, especially emotionally, and yet this post shows me that I'm shrinking. But not all the way down, just losing a little footing.

I was going to delete this post because I know it's just something I'm going through right now and it will pass but I'm trying to be really honest and truthful here, so I'm going to use it as a tool. I will learn from this whiny moment and move on. Onward and upward.

Money, money, money, mon-ey. . .

The root of all evil. Definitely coined for a reason. Why is it that something so necessary makes us all so crazy? Not that I think having a lot of green would fix all my problems, but it sure would help a few. Having a hard time my dear Bloggy. . .oh, mind if I call you that? I feel like we've reached that level. Anywho, I'm struggling because I have a job that pays me really well for little work, but my hubby has a job that he works really hard at, but rarely gets paid. Sigh. It's more and more stressful on our marriage every day. And I'm really having trouble believing it's going to get magically better any time soon. See, dear Bloggy, he is a considered an independent contractor, but works for only one organization, so it's like having a boss but without all the benefits of a regular-type job. And while you'd think it would be payment upon completion of work, that's not the case. Because he works for a sorta-friend, said sorta-friend thinks it's ok to lead him around until he collects the money from the client. Um, no. That's not how it's supposed to work. But alas, as the options have been extremely limited (read: non-existent) for available work elsewhere, it's been what we've had to deal with. For now.

But I've had it up to here (and beyond) so I've put my foot down and demanded change. Well, as much as I can demand, I can't really control other people. If I could that would be cool, but major responsibility and I already have enough on my plate. I'm tired of living day-to-day (money-wise) when I'm bringing home enough bacon for an extended-family brunch! Every payday I just watch it disappear and wonder if I'm going to have enough for anything extra. And by extra, I mean a good grocery trip. You know, the ones where you get fresh fruit and veggies and cheese and deli meat. Not the kind where you run in and out with a bag of Buddig and some canned corn.

Dear Bloggy, this is causing me extreme stress, and I'm falling into a sea of depression. Alas, at least you are still free to me. At least for now.

Nothing much, just typing to myself

So once again I think I'm done with therapy. EVERY time I go I find that I know more about myself than the therapist does -- granted that should be the case since I've been with me a lot longer -- but in my defense, if she's diagnosing issues I'm having and I'm like, "no, I think it's really this. . ." then I'm not getting anywhere. It really felt like I was just more or less paying money to talk out loud and not really be judged. I think I'll try doing that at home, or maybe just this blog will continue to assist me in getting the crazies out of my head. I don't know. Who really does? I found that my therapist was more concerned about finding some deep-routed issue of my past than helping me get through my many struggles of today, which is what I'm more focused on right now. The past has been fine for this long, it's the present/future I'm having a hard time hanging on to.

Would be very helpful to hear how others (who struggle with depression) found therapy to work (or not) for them. But since I don't know how to solicit feedback, I guess I'll just continue living vicariously through the other blogs out there in my quest for guidance. In the end, I guess it's just me and you, kid.

Struggling

Have an appointment for tonight with the therapist but I've already decided to cancel. Just not feeling like sharing today, and I'm too stressed out about the present so delving into the past isn't really a priority right now. Not giving up, just rescheduling for next week when I think I'll be more receptive to the whole give-take thing. Right now I just don't give a crap and can't take anymore. Overwhelmed is a little bit of an understatement and I'm waiting for things to ease up a bit. Just wondering how long I have to hang in there for. Not that I have any options but to hang in there - just hoping I can do it with a modicum of grace. When in doubt, I watch the news. Nothing depresses me more and helps put things into perspective. Things don't seem so bad after watching all the other atrocities of man. How's that for uplifting?