Nothing much, just typing to myself

So once again I think I'm done with therapy. EVERY time I go I find that I know more about myself than the therapist does -- granted that should be the case since I've been with me a lot longer -- but in my defense, if she's diagnosing issues I'm having and I'm like, "no, I think it's really this. . ." then I'm not getting anywhere. It really felt like I was just more or less paying money to talk out loud and not really be judged. I think I'll try doing that at home, or maybe just this blog will continue to assist me in getting the crazies out of my head. I don't know. Who really does? I found that my therapist was more concerned about finding some deep-routed issue of my past than helping me get through my many struggles of today, which is what I'm more focused on right now. The past has been fine for this long, it's the present/future I'm having a hard time hanging on to.

Would be very helpful to hear how others (who struggle with depression) found therapy to work (or not) for them. But since I don't know how to solicit feedback, I guess I'll just continue living vicariously through the other blogs out there in my quest for guidance. In the end, I guess it's just me and you, kid.

Struggling

Have an appointment for tonight with the therapist but I've already decided to cancel. Just not feeling like sharing today, and I'm too stressed out about the present so delving into the past isn't really a priority right now. Not giving up, just rescheduling for next week when I think I'll be more receptive to the whole give-take thing. Right now I just don't give a crap and can't take anymore. Overwhelmed is a little bit of an understatement and I'm waiting for things to ease up a bit. Just wondering how long I have to hang in there for. Not that I have any options but to hang in there - just hoping I can do it with a modicum of grace. When in doubt, I watch the news. Nothing depresses me more and helps put things into perspective. Things don't seem so bad after watching all the other atrocities of man. How's that for uplifting?

2nd verse, same as the first?

Second therapy visit tomorrow and I wonder how it will play out. I feel like I dumped so much on this poor unsuspecting woman the first time that she may want to take the lead on this one. She wants to delve into my past, but I find the more I try to remember things, the harder it is to really know if the memories I'm giving her are true or just what I feel now. How can I answer a question about how something made me feel 25 years ago without letting my present feelings get jumbled up in the process? Sure wish I had total recall and could really feel strongly about the information I'm sharing. And why is my memory so bad these days? I've been taking vitamins, trying to exercise my brain with memory tests, etc. but I have lost so much already and am only approaching mid-30s!?! So this worry leads me to the ultimate fear of dementia and Alzheimer's, which my grandmother and great-grandmother both had, but in varying forms. And that's just what I need is something else to worry about. I'm starting to gather that each thing I try to lay to rest in therapy is just going to open up something new to explore. These therapists really know what they're doing -- they getcha for life!

I Survived!

It was late in the day as I was leaving my first therapy appointment, and the counselor noted that she had to unlock the door to let me out. It was then that I knew I must not have scared her too much, because she was letting me leave.

All in all it went well. I was proud of myself for getting through the first visit with only a few moments of tears -- this is saying a lot considering I'm one of those that cries at pretty much EVERYTHING! I was stronger than I had thought I would be and more importantly, honest with my emotions when I needed to be. Sometimes crying is a nice release and I definitely wanted to release some of the stuff that's been plaguing me for a long, long time.

I think blogging in between visits is going to help. When you're in the moment, you don't always see everything as clearly as when you walk away and think about it. She told me that it was going to take awhile (my recovery), but that I would get through this. Convincing myself of this is going to be key to making that happen. Baby steps. . .