A year later...

Hard to believe I haven't felt the need to write in nearly a year.  Well, I'm sure I had the need, in fact I'm certain on more than one occasion I would've benefitted from a little blurb, but alas, I didn't make the time.  What does that mean?  Have I found new ways of coping?  Or perhaps I was lazy and didn't feel like typing my story?  Or maybe it was just that I forgot (gasp!) about this outlet.  I guess that's not so hard to believe considering I've had no one to remind me.  It's just me out here, but that's ok.  Because maybe there are ghosts lurking that just don't want to reveal themselves yet.  Here's hoping they're Casper-like when they do.  I can use some friendly feedback every now and again.  Can't we all.

What's wrong with me?

You know those commercials for Zymbalta, Zoloft and the like?  The ones where someone is just sitting in a room alone, sobbing uncontrollably, and doesn't know why?  Or can't get out of bed even though physically they're fine, but placing a foot on the floor is too daunting a task?  Well, I've been feeling that way very recently.  I get little waves of depression where I'm just "bummed" for lack of a better word, and I really have no idea where it came from.  Sure there are things going on in my life that warrant depression, but at the specific moment that the waves come, I'm not thinking about those things, so I have no idea where it's coming from.  And worse yet, I have such a hard time coming out of it.  My husband or family will pick up on the immediate change in mood and ask things like, "why are you crabby?" or "what's wrong with you?" and that certainly doesn't help.  In fact, it puts me on the defensive and then I get angrier or sadder. 

Last night my husband asked what was wrong with me and I just said, "I don't know".  And maybe it was hearing the frustration in my voice, and knowing that I truly didn't know, so he just let me be and quietly sat until I was able to come-to again.

I hate these rapid mood swings and wish I knew when they were coming so I could try to put the kabosh on them, but I think this must be what a lot of people go through.  I hope beyond hope that this is not something that is going to continue to gain frequency and that there's just some subconcious stressors that are rearing their ugly heads at once.

I don't want to be depressed.  I can't imagine anyone does.

Secrets, secrets are no fun. . .

I've been really struggling lately with a secret that I'm keeping for a family member. It's not my story to tell. At least that's how I've justified not sharing it with the rest of the family. But it's one of those things that I want to explore further and don't feel like I really can without the potential for letting the cat out of the bag to those that the originator chose not to reveal it to. It's really a BIG deal and while those not in the know could live a full life without ever knowing, now that I know I really don't want to bury it. Ugh, I'm really confused and don't want to hurt anyone. But as usual, it's at my expense.

AAAAAAAACHOO!

Nice family weekend getaway ending with a bad sunburn and a nasty cold. At least I got to have a vacation without being sick. It's usually the other way around -- I always get sick while I'm away. Now instead I brought my cooties back home with me to share with my fellow coworkers. They're more than thrilled I might add.

Sunburn + cold = no workouts for past few days : ( I will return, I tell you! This time I'm going to stick with it. And how do I know this? Because I actually miss it. Huh, go figure.

Cautiously optimistic

I know it's only been four days, but I have to say that since beginning the new diet/exercise thing I've been feeling good. Noticed a little more pep in my step, and more importantly I've been a bit less down in the dumps. Maybe there is something behind that exercise euphoria I've heard about. Either way, trying not to overdo it so I don't give in to the dark side but I'm having a little, dare I say, fun adding new activities to keep me going. And the diet part is really only being more aware of what I'm eating and skipping on the extras more often. I'm not going crazy people. Well, technically I should say I'm not getting any crazier. At least for now. Feeling a bit like one of my fave characters, Bob, in What About Bob? "I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful."

Die-et and Exorcise

Yep that's how I feel about those loathesome words. I think there's a reason they are so similar to both physical and spiritual death. But since I'm soooo miserable with the blob I've become, I know there's nothing else but to battle those demons and start a new plan of action.

Oh, and when I say start, I really mean it. I'm a beginner at best. If there's a level below novice, that's me. I. Don't. Do. Shit. Really. May be the depression. May be lazyness. Who knows? But I know I have to do something because the pounds they are a-piling and my metabolism is on hiatus.

So I started a treadmill plan today. Walking that gradually turns into jogging. Goal of every weekday morning, getting my arse up and on that god-forsaken machine. Trying a half hour M-F to start. Biggest bummer is that everyone I talk to says I won't see any difference if I don't change my diet, too. I don't feel like I'm a total wreck in that department, but I do enjoy food. I really do. Not overeater level, but I don't like to miss a meal. There's so many wonderful flavors out there, how can I not? So in that department I'm going to cut out some "extras", even though I don't feel like there are a ton of options there, but I'll try.

I gotta tell you though, if I don't see some serious results within a month's time, I'm going to be pissed. And a depressed pissed person is not a good combo. Oh, and a depressed-pissed-HUNGRY person should be feared.

Mind games

I used to swear by my memory. I could (and still can to some degree) remember the most trival stuff. Phone numbers I haven't dialed in more than 20 years, birthdays of friends long, long forgotten, trivial facts about celebrities that I've long traded in for new arrivals. . .it was really great to have that much faith in something.

Recently (last few years) I've started worrying about the loss of this great ability. I find myself searching for the most basic of terms, especially when I'm talking to someone about something. Example: asking my husband to use the microwave, and I can't even think of the word "microwave". I know what it is, but the word escapes me. Instead I describe what a microwave is, you know, that thing that you put the food in and it cooks it real fast and has a timer. . .ridiculous, i know, but sometimes that's the drill. Like an unending game of Password.

Other times I find that I'm able only to figure out a term or a song title or whathaveyou by going through the alphabet until I come across the letter that starts the word. I feel like that at least challenges me a bit to really think hard on it, but it's funny that so many times when I get to the letter that the name starts with, it's like a lightbulb immediately turns on and I can "see" the name in front of me. Or at least start putting it together and eventually get there.

Never hear anyone else talk about these types of memory losses. Wonder if I'm the only one that plays the alphabet game. Can't imagine I'm alone in all of this, but it doesn't help that when these mind hiccups happen, I start to fret a little that my family history of Alzheimers and dementia could be rearing its ugly head already.

I'm only in my mid-30s, so I know it's too soon. But could this be my warning to get my head in shape so I'm able to handle things better when I'm twice my age? If so, I'm taking notice. I just don't know if I should be doing other things to delay the progress.